13th March 2022.

Sunday 13th of March will be a day to remember for the rest of my days. 

The day previous, I met a new person. We spent 6 hours together in Kings Park. Sitting on the lawn and talking non stop, sharing chips (the simplest of pleasures). Sharing so much and having so much in common. 

Another occasion of expanding my horizons and meeting new people. Putting myself out there. It felt fantastic. I was encouraged that she felt comfortable enough to spend so much time with me. You don't spend six hours with somebody that you don't like, right? 

Clearly my insecurities and anxious attachment style is readily apparent. It's not uncommon on the internet/app dating cycle to experience what you think is a great date, only to be ghosted afterwards. Thankfully Erinn kept contact, and we have plans to catch up again soon. 

I think it's tomorrow, but who knows. Maybe it's at the back of her mind. Maybe she's forgotten. But there's a familiar connection, and she makes me feel comfortable. 

On the Sunday though, a mood passed over me. It was a serious depressive vibe. Seemed odd given the interaction the day prior had been so positive and I had plenty to be thankful for. 

I have come to realise that I am in fact INCREDIBLY social. I crave social interaction with the people that I care about. I felt that perhaps I had maxed out on endorphins the day prior that I had naturally felt a hard come down on the following day given the social interaction with a wonderful woman the day prior. 

Rachael introduced me to the idea of quantum entanglement. That on a molecular level, we all carry memories at a cellular, molecular level. And there is a connection. That's how she would explain bizarre coincidences, or memories or our intense connection. 

Maybe it was quantum entanglement at play? Maybe that is why the depressive cloud hung over me. I felt a fire extinguished. A fire lit from the torch that lit my own. 

Iggy wanted me to call him on Tuesday. 

I obliged. 

He told me that Katie had died. She took her own life on Sunday. 

It all sounded so surreal. My vision spun. I couldn't really believe what I was hearing. She was gone? 

Katie had been absent from my life for a long time. The last time I had heard from her was in June last year, and that was from the end of a seemingly distressed mid night message. I reached out, and made sure that she was ok. She was living in Melbourne. I was happy for her, and told her as much. No reply. 

I reached out a number of times over the years. It was distressing when she extracted herself from my life. She was my best friend. Often my conduit to the outside world. My entire social scene revolved around her. In retrospect I had formed a co-dependent relationship with her. So it was only natural that she felt as though she needed to release herself from that confine. 

She completely changed my view of the world, and made me the man I am today. I am a better person for having known her. For being as close as we were in formative years of our lives. She made me want to be a better person. To care for others on the fringe.  To care for others full stop. 

I told her that I loved her. She was my sister, and I loved her. I don't feel any sense of regret or lapsed duty. There is nothing that I could have done to have saved her. I reached out a number of times, but our connection wasn't what she needed at that point in time. 

I wished it was. 

I love you Katia, and I always will. My soul burns as a vigil to you always, and I will live my life to honour you and live for us both.