I had sex last night. But more importantly, I experienced affection, and I've gotta say it felt glorious because the last time I actually felt genuine, unconditional affection was two years or so ago. We snuggled together on the couch, and her hand was on my thigh.
I'm self critiquing and questioning the value of what I'm writing. That needs to *stop*.
Okay. So I have known Chloe, or rather known of Chloe for roughly 3 weeks. We matched on Tinder, and she seemed to be rather insistent on me. Following up, checking in. She seemed lovely from all interactions, and once we had actually met it was confirmed. We had a great night.
We met at the Norfolk. I waited under the cover of a maple tree as the drizzle descended and she crossed the street after a lengthy red man.
It was an initially awkward. She couldn't get any signal so her check in didn't work and she couldn't prove her proof of vaccination. I told her that it was ok, and swanned about for a while. But it didn't help. And I was conscious of that, so I shut the fuck up when I realised that it was too much.
She's an introvert. And it was blatantly obvious. It fell upon myself to carry conversation. That was always something that I have struggled with. Typically I pair with extroverts, and conversation just carries through. On the brief occasion, they're also narcissists. So they just lap up the attention that is bestowed upon them.
The night went exceptionally well. She seemed uptight at first, but she gave in to vulnerability and was laughing by the end of it.
Her parking expired. But we went across together to top it up. Then we returned to where we had seated.
We talked some more and the hour dissolved into mere fragments. She drove me to the Kardinya park shopping centre and we made out in her car. It was one of those moments where we both looked at each other. I went for the door, hesitated. Then she beckoned me over.
Last night she came over for lasagna. It was just one of those moments of comfort and ease, a cuddle on the couch and looking into each others eyes. Her gorgeous amber eyes, iris' framed with green. Could get lost in her eyes forever. Pulling me over, calling me in.
In the morning we traded desires and lurid messages reminiscing the night prior. It was unsettling to receive the message later that day, as the business hours were winding down. "Bad news unfortunately".
She had been separated from her ex for a couple of months now, but were still living together - in separate rooms. The Perth rental market is terrible at the moment. He had been working away, and while he said that it was ok for her to start dating again, once the reality actually set in, things weren't really ok.
He was in a dark place, apparently. She was worried about him. And it turns out that perhaps she wasn't quite ready either. I told her it was fine. I told her that I would hold space for her. I told her that if there was anything that she needed, she could contact me at any time.
On reflection, it really felt like one of those coercive, manipulative things that men do. I told her that she has to live her live too, and shouldn't feel obliged to pull back because somebody else feels bad.
Maybe it was my co-dependence kicking in again. In that moment I felt as though I didn't deserve to feel hurt. That I needed to be understanding, supporting. I was hurt however. It felt like the universe seems to dangle fragments of everything I ever wanted. Let me experience a fleeting taste of it only to rip it away immediately and without mercy.
It's a continuance of the same pull push routine with Rachael. I am addicted to the chaos and I will more than willingly give myself up to it. I feel as though I have learned much in terms of confidence, but there is still so much that I need to learn.
So with that I press on. My aim is to make genuine connection with others. Feel and give affection. Whether that is on a romantic or platonic level. Continue opening myself up to new experiences and embracing vulnerability.
At first the usual demons floated in and delivered the same doubts and validating the same failings. I questioned whether vulnerability was worthwhile if it only ever lended itself to hurt.
There is no joy without hurt. We can not avoid hurt, and rejecting vulnerability only lends to more hurt. We don't enjoy all the beauty that the world has to offer.
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