I howled as I rode alongside the freeway. Legs furiously peddling, almost as if a desperate attempt to escape the malaise and misery that had consumed my life. Not a single fleeting moment of happiness.
"Why is it like this"
"Why do I do this to myself"
"Why do I hate myself this much"
All rhetorical assertions thrown to the void rather than legitimate questions seeking answers. Thrown into the abyss as I cycle along. I didn't need an answer because I already knew.
I am distracting myself. I can't stand to sit with myself that I need to find an outlet to escape. To disassociate. To depersonalise. I can't sit amongst my grief and confront myself. So I numb. I numb and I numb even though it is just so fucking dumb. Just waiting for an alternative to come.
By the evening I was completely rejuvenated and ready to face the world anew.
This is completely exhausting. I ride these waves of emotion, from utter despair to a call to arms. All the while I still don't seem to have the drive to achieve any of the things that I aspire to within my euphoric state. I let myself get dragged down to the deepest depths.
I am lacking that anxiety. Anxiety is a drive, and anxiety seems necessary in this world.
I'm currently prescribed Lexapro. It seems to level things off, but it doesn't spare me from the despair. More rhymes. I'm at a point now that I've been on it for 4 months, and I'm still waiting for the miracle to occur. For my behaviour to change. To be happy. Or whatever you are meant to feel on these SSRIs.
I think that I'm probably not giving it my best shot. My alcohol use has only increased. It's February now, nearly March. I need to give it some time without alcohol coursing through my body. But that's the thing. It levels you off so much that you would give anything to feel anything at all. And here we go with alcohol.
And it doesn't help to be rejected by woman after woman. Always with the rejection.
The thing that came into my mind as I was riding along:
"I have been weighed by womankind, and found wanting."
It triggers those feelings of inadequacy. Of not being enough.
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